Since I can remember, people have been asking me, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” As far as I know I have never had an answer. I grew up with the idea that I can do anything I want to do and anything I set my mind to – the classic phrase being “the world is your oyster.” In many instances in my life, this choice has felt paralyzing.
I have struggled with these questions for years, and though I feel a bit clearer now, waves of emotion can return again and again. What does it mean for me to be on this planet? What can I do here? Is there something I’m “supposed to do” here? Is there even an answer to all these questions? I have experienced bouts of fear — my heart pounding, my belly rumbling, my mind whirring – because I don’t have an answer to these questions. I have poured tears many times because I think I need to have an answer and somehow I am not good enough, or not strong enough, or not clear enough to make a decision about what I want. Anger has pulsed through my body because an answer doesn’t come and it is so frustrating for my mind. And I have felt joy. Joy in the realization that I don’t need an answer – ever – and exactly where I am right now is perfect in its imperfection, just as it is. And there is massive freedom in no longer needing an answer.
When I was a teenager we had a big wall of quotable magnets and one referred to the Gilda Radner quote, “I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next…Delicious Ambiguity.” Reading that quote over and over again planted a seed in me that ambiguity – not knowing – was delicious, was to be soaked in and enjoyed. How society and our stories can create a completely different mindset!
I was at a retreat recently with Jeff Foster and Matt Licata at Kripalu and I had a fascinating experience that shifted my perspective. We were instructed to walk aimlessly and my body was in a very aimless state. I didn’t go very far and I took long periods of rest in the grass. My mind was asking whether I wanted to go to yoga later and I didn’t know. Instead, I had racing thoughts and a desire for clarity, which together created tension in my body. I remembered that nothing about this moment or this experience was wrong and I was able to release a need for an answer. I was able to just observe, feel, accept, and hold close “my indecisiveness.” Jeff writes, “Bow to confusion! It is the fertile ground from which great clarity blossoms in its own sweet time…”.
When I remember that I don’t need an answer about what I want to do with my life, I am able to pull myself out of small self ideas like “I need to be someone,” or “I have to know,” and bow to the unknown and the undecided. That, for me, is freedom.